So...Let's See How Funny You Are

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My Old Nemesis

So , for a while the child next door has been a terror but as of late, my children have gone up to the child and they have all sniffed each other and I feel there is now an understanding. The child still makes my kids go ape when they see him out the window but when they are outside, they no longer charge at the child and the child does not get into strike position.

The bad news is my new nemesis – I call him…The Chipmonk. Damn you wretched chipmonk!! I go to the Wild Bird Store to buy Peanut no-melt suet cakes. They cost $2.29 a piece and I like to hang them for the birds to enjoy. I get a beautiful array of birds that come and visit the suet feeder cage directly outside my deck doors. As I am watching outside, I see The Chipmonk make its way across my fence and up the tree and onto the suet. I think “hmm, what must I do, the suet is for birds.” I break off a few branches of the tree! “HA, now you will not be able to reach it Chipmonk, HA HA HA.” I look again, he is back. He is looking and climbing around on the branches. “TEE HEE, I have beaten him” then I look again and he has hung himself upside down by his tail to get the suet. I get the spray gun out and start to spray at him. He starts to move and then stands there looking at me. What?? A Challenge? A Duel? Now, I don’t want to piss off The Chipmonk as last year a chipmonk ate thru the rubber tube under my grill where the gas connects to the grill unit. Lucky, I caught it before trying to light it.

Those chipmonks are tricky, crafty little fellas. So, I sprayed some more and he stood there getting wet for a few squirts and then he scampered off into the woods. He came back and continues to do so. I have resigned myself to this fact - Suet is $2.29 and it lasts about 3 days. If he is willing to work that hard and hang by his tail to eat, then eat he shall. I will restock on my suet this weekend – ugh.

The "Real" Stephen R. Hayes Story

The “Real” Stephen R. Hayes Story

Many of you have met, worked with or heard of Stephen R. Hayes. Stephen has been a mainstay in the DC, MD, and VA theater circuit for the last 54 years. Whether you are a friend, acquaintance, or just a listener to the legend, there are certain things that most of you don’t know about Mr. “Stephen R.”

The Stephen R. that is known today wasn’t always Stephen R. Born in the Ukraine during the “Festival of the Loons” to two Polish circus tightrope walkers; Mr. Hayes was christened Sir Rodney Fayman Ustauv. Later in his life he was quoted as saying, “That damned Rodney, he even stole my name!”

Stephen R.’s childhood was a difficult one with all of the circus chores he was challenged with, but by the time he was nine years old he was promoted to Assistant Manager In Charge of Sheep Droppings Removal, a position that was unheard of for someone of his young age. “Oh yeah, I was proud of that job. There was no one else who could shovel the sheep droppings like me. That position started to prepare me for a life of dinner theater.” Stephen R. recently said during a CBS 60 Minutes interview with Morley Shaffer, “During my down time I would practice setting tables and pretend to serve non-alcoholic drinks in souvenir glasses. You should have seen my pretend tips.”

Home away from home

Life looked good for Hayes until tragedy struck in his 16th year. Stephen R. traded in his empty vodka bottles for a one-way ticket to “anywhere-but-here-land” on a freight barge. During that journey “Peanuts”, as he was known to the ship hands, would dance and sing songs from the Broadway musical “I Do, I Do” for scraps of food and a place to lay his head. “What doesn’t kill ya, makes ya stronger.” he was known to say. He also often asked, “Do you think I’m wearing too much makeup?” to the chagrin of the other passengers, mostly hoofed animals. It was rare for icebergs to be found floating in the Panama Canal but in the summer of 1947 Stephen R.’s vessel ran head on into an iceberg. This incident is the only known ship to sink and never be found in the Panama Canal. It was later discovered that it was not an actual iceberg that sunk the ship but the remnants of cubes from a Super Big Gulp.

As a young healthy man, Hayes swam the 12 feet to the break-wall and lifted himself out of the water. Completing his three days of rest needed to recoup from the nautical mishap he started his journey on foot to the “promise land”, Woodbridge, VA. Stephen R. enjoyed his trek through Central America sleeping in sugar cane and poppy fields and going by the name Chica Escobar (scholars could never figure out why he went by that name). By the time he crossed the plains of Mexico he had his first mid-life crisis wondering if he’d ever break into the Mid-Atlantic, Eastern, DC Metropolitan dinner theater circuit.

Chu Chu

But a sombrero-wearing burro named Chu Chu came to him in a ganja-induced state and told him of the many opportunities to direct and star regional dinner theater. This event gave Chica his new lust for life.

After many miles of walking, hitchhiking, swimming and crawling he made it to the US border. Without proper identification the authorities were hesitant to let him into the country but he explained that he needed to be admitted to fulfill his dream of creating a dinner theater industry the border guards immediately let him in. But there was one caveat, there was already someone named Chica Escobar in the US and hence “Stephen R. Hayes” was born.

As they say, the rest is history. Stephen R. made his way up the east coast and is now known as the Father of Dinner Theater and if you listen very closely to the wind late at night (behind any dumpster at a dinner theater) you can still hear Chu Chu the burro baying, “Stephen R., Stephen R., you’re a star.” And now you know.

This is an unauthorized biography.

Back From Bean Town!

Yes, that’s right, I am back from Boston to the glee of thousands of my readers. I have spent the last six days in Beantown at the ASAE conference. ASAE is the American Society of Association Executives, which I am a member.

The days were filled with keynotes, education seminars, and a large trade show exhibit floor with (my estimation) over a few hundred exhibitors, many of whom were giving little hand-outs like pens, stuffed animals, etc.

The evenings were filled with receptions and dinners throughout the Boston and I must say that they utilized the historic locations well. I went to a large reception, over 5,000 people, at the Boston Metropolitan Museum of Art. They supplied drinks, four or five different styles of food and a live orchestra with Tango dancers for entertainment.

Another evening, we had dinner in Little Italy during a local Madonna festival where they flew a young girl on ropes in-between two buildings as St. Mary… interesting. Of course we stopped into the old Bull and Finch, which is now know as Cheers. This is where they did all of the outside shots for the Cheers.

On my last night in Boston I attended a private concert for us by the Boston Pops. It was a great affair out on the docks over the Charles River with a beautiful night, food, drink and great music. The guest artist was Liz Calloway (Baby, Cats, etc) and she was fantastic. The orchestra finished the evening with an American tribute and sing-along. The final three numbers were 1812 Overture, God Bless America and the Pops signature Stars and Stripes Forever.

Celebrity Alert! While in Boston I got to speak with Lou Gosset, Jr. (Officer and a Gentleman) and spent some time with the chef and television celebrity, Anthony Bourdain. Tony, as he told me to call him, has a show on the Travel Channel called Anthony Boudain, No Reservations. He also used to have a show on the Food Network but he felt that the Food Network was too Bobby Flay & Rachel Rayish.
And as always…don’t vote me off of the blogger island on Mark’s blog. Cheers!

Gone for A Bit

Sorry folks, I'm leaving for Boston for a week or so. Will back posting at the end of next week. Be good!

The Trish Watkins Story

Trish Abigail Watkins was born in the small town of Farmingtondale, Iowa in the late Indian Summer of 1974 during a freak hailstorm which lasted over six days. Because of the three feet build up of ice balls throughout the town her parents couldn’t make it to the hospital and she was born in a small, freezing barn. No one ever addressed why she wasn’t born in the warm farmhouse where her father (an Obgyn) and her aunt (a mid-wife) were watching the Chicago Bears play the Baltimore Colts.

In her early years she showed promises of leading a life in the limelight. By age three she was crowned Little Miss Soybean and Miss Corn Husk 1977. As Trish became more and more confidant in her pageant work she stretched her talents and traveled to the north shore area in Massachuset where she is still known as Miss Clam Chick 1979, 80 & 82. 1981 was a tough year for Trish as she had a personal battle with her allergy to mollusks.

After packing her bags and heading to the "Big Time" as Trish would refer to rural Maryland, she arrived in Burtonsville and gave a call to her personal friend, Jack Kent Cooke. Jack used to be her private tap dance tutor while Trish was in the eighth grade at Alan Hale, Jr. Intermediate School. Jack had since made his fortune when he developed a vaccine for premature baldness in infants and used his millions to purchase the Washington Redskins. Trish told Jack that she was ready to shake her pom poms for him like she used to do after their tutoring sessions.

During her years as a Redskinette, Trish dated many personalities and well known athletes. She could be seen on the arm of Joe Theisman, John Riggins and Jimmy J.J. "Dynamite" Walker to name a few. After many trysts Trish found herself in the motherly way and gave birth to the joy of her life, Kevin "Michael Jordan, Sonny Jurgensen, Michael Caine, Doug "Magic Man" Henning" Watkins. "It was tough naming Kevin because of obvious reasons" said Trish as she left her first audition at the now defunct Burn Brae Dinner Theater. "I’ve always wanted to perform on the same stage where Jim Lawson portrayed General #3 in Evita, I mean who hasn’t?" That was the beginning of Trish Watkins " Follow Jim Lawson Tour".

Over the last decade Trish has followed Jim to the Burn Brae, the West End and the Lazy Susan Dinner Theater (affectionately known as the Lazy Lawson Dinner Theater or LSD Theater). Unfortunately Trish has always been a day late because Jim had moved onto other projects by the time Ms. Watkins arrived at the theaters.

It took the unlikely pair of lovely Tina DeSimone and the unflappable Mark Minnick to actually bring Jim and Trish face to face for the first time at Mark’s recent 52nd birthday soiree. With the aide of a bottle of fine red wine and the fourth order of fried mozzarella, Jim and Trish played a game of "footsie" under the table. At least Jim thought he was enjoying the game with Trish until she excused herself to the restroom, the amorous stare and gleam on Anita O’Leary’s face told Jim who was on the receiving end of his talented toes. Jim has had to change his phone number because of the constant calls, day and night, from the octogenarian O’Leary. Anita has even purchased a laptop just to email actormann@aol.com. Email blocking has been a god-send for Mr. Lawson.

What will become of their new friendship? (No, not the Anita friendship... gosh) Where will this lead? Only the gods know what lay in store for these two talented, personable and attractive stars.

Redskins - Larry Brown & Brian Mitchell

As some of you know I work for the Tech Council of Maryland. The council is a non-profit association that promotes Maryland businesses in the Advanced Technology and Bio Life Science industries. Throughout the year we hold up to 80 local events in Maryland. The majority of these are educational events with a good dose of networking. Every once in awhile we have a straight forward networking event. Today was one of those days.

We hosted a picnic/bar-b-que at Smokey Glen Farm in Montgomery County. This place is fantatsic and their staff is top notch. We held the event in a pavillion that opened up into a large barn. Their staff served beer/wine/soft drinks and water all afternoon while small snacks like pretzels, nuts and nachos were available to all. By 4:00 the staff had finished grilling the chicken, ribs, corn on the cob, baked beans, salads and about 50 pies. We had 250 C-level business persons join us as well as local government officials.

To top off the day I was fortunate enough to spend time with retired Redskin running back Larry Brown and soon to be in the NFL Hall of Fame retired Redskin Brian Mitchell. Both of these guys were so down to earth and great to just hang out with. I have to be honest, I was talking with Larry Brown for about 20 minutes before I realized that he was "The " Larry Brown.

The food was great, the networking was great and the weather was humid. But hey, life can't be always be a bowl of cherries, right?

Vacation Help Needed!

I’ve found myself in the same situation over the last four or five years. Over the summer my girls (17 & 9) and myself have planned different vacations well enough in advance but we find that we would like to take a short three-day jaunt someplace local. The time frame usually ends up over a long weekend but I always have a difficult time deciding where to go.

In the past we have been to the Skyline Drive staying in a mountain lodge, gone to Ocean City, Va. Beach and Colonial Williamsburg. I’m looking for suggestions on where you have been on a mini-vacation that was not too far away from the DC area. Summer’s coming to an end and I want to get away one more time, help us out! Where should we go?

Questions for the Weekend & Worst Jobs!

1. What are you doing this weekend?

2. What should you be doing this weekend?

What is the worst job you've ever had and why?

A Tribute to Two Dear Friends and Fine Men

I would like to thank two of my childhood friends who I have stayed very close to over the years. Both of them decided at different times that they wanted to serve in the United States military, one in the U.S. Army and the other in the U.S Navy. There were times during their service that being a soldier or seaman was not the most popular career choice but they stayed the course.

Douglas E. Osborn, after graduating from Radford University spent time in the civilian workforce. He then made a life-changing decision to follow in his father’s footsteps and apply to Officers Candidate School, was accepted, joined the Army and started his journey. Doug has been deployed to Iraq (more than once), Afghanistan, Turkey, Germany, Korea and many bases in the US. He still has a few years to go before he retires and begins his new career as a Paul McCartney impersonator.

David Van Badzik, after receiving a perfect score of 800 in the math section of his SATs he received a ROTC scholarship and attended Georgia Tech in 1980. When David graduated (he’s now known as Van) he bounced all over the US from San Diego to Pittsburgh, from Hawaii to New Orleans all over the world including Germany and the Mid East. He spent a lot of time on nuclear submarines and during his land time he managed to marry a lovely wife, Carol, and have two fantastic boys, Nick & Zack. Van has just retired on Bainbridge Island, Washington after 22 years in the Navy and plans on becoming a professional salmon smoker.

You may not agree with what our military does and where they are sent. That is why America is so great, we can all have different opinions but I hope we all can thank those who serve our country including the military, the police, firemen & women, EMTs and everyone else who makes our country the envy of the world. We have the best!

Thank you Doug & Van for your service. You both now owe me $20.

Questions of The Day

Answer These, My Questions Three!
1. What do you see when you look out your front door?

2. Who is the most obnoxiuos person you know and why?

3. Outback or Olive Garden and what do you order?

Visiting Friends and Little Miss Sunshine

Before heading to the movies last night I stopped by my friends the Renningers where there daughter Helen, her husband Bill and their two daughters were visiting. Helen and I have been friends since elementary school and Bill and Helen are my Dani’s godparents. Their two girls Becca and Rachel are adorable. It’s too bad my girls are in Orlando at Disney World otherwise they would have gone swimming with the girls in the Rennginer’s backyard. I only stayed for a half an hour but it was great seeing them all including Bill’s mother Nancy and Helen’s cousin Howard, let’s all hope that Howard heals from his surgery in the most "intimate"of places.

Last night my brother Bill and I decided to go to the movies to see Little Miss Sunshine. I have to say that I didn’t know a lot about the movie but heard that it had gotten great reviews on the radio and in the papers, Bill, admittingly knew less than I did.

LMS was released to a few independent theaters this weekend and it’ll open in the larger chains next weekend, hence the long lines at the Cinema Arts theater in Fairfax. The movie was being shown on two screens and we decided to see the 8:00 pm showing. We arrived about five minutes early to purchase our tickets to be greeted by the ticket seller telling us that this showing was sold out. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve been to a movie that was sold out. After discussing it we bought tickets for the 9:25 movie. The man in the window told us to make sure we were back 30 minutes before the showing because it was going to be sold out as well.

While we waited for our film we stopped in a little Italian place called Momma Leona’s for a slice and a drink. We also spent a few minutes in the local hobby store where I flew a radio controlled airplane on a computer with a RC flight simulator, pretty cool but I don’t think I’d ever spend the amount of money they wanted. Back to the theater. We made it about 40 minutes before the movie and we were about the 90th in line. By the time we were let in the line was about 300 feet long as it wound through the shopping center.

All seats were taken when the previews started, I had my regular movie treats, a popcorn and a bottle of water. Bill had his soda and bag of Sour Patch candy. The Cinema Arts Theater is a different little place and if you’ve never been there I must recommend it. The owner comes out in-between the previews and asks the audience if he should book the film that we just saw the trailer for. He lets the audience influence him in what movies he’ll be showing over the next few months.

If you don’t know anything about Little Miss Sunshine I suggest that you don’t read anything about it before you see it and you should DEFINITELY see it. It stars Greg Kinnear, Steve Carell, Alan Arkin and Toni Collette. It works its way to become a "road" movie ands it’s a great ensemble cast piece of work. I’m not always the biggest fan of Greg Kinnear but he is very likeable here, but it was Steve Carell and the two kids in the movie who made it for me. I don’t want to ruin it for you but Bill and I thought the movie was great, it had pathos, sincerity, quirkiness and a lot of laughs. It’s rated R because of a ton of F-bombs, most of them delivered by the aging and cool as ever, Alan Arkin.

The Longest Week Of The Year

With the temperature being as hot as it has been over the past week it seemed like the weekend would never come. The incubator that my office is located in has decided that air-conditioning was a luxury. By early afternoon each day the unit on the roof gave out, I have been losing weight lately and the "sauna" effect at the office has been a great help. Today was the first day of the week that the air was on the entire day, thank God!

The lovely Michelle in my office came up with the idea this past spring (along with Rick) that it would be fun to start an office softball team and join the Gaithersburg Co-Ed League. There were enough of us that thought it was a great idea and the Tech Byters were born. I understand if you're thinking, "My, what a lovely name for a team from a technology association". Team names like this don't just grow on trees, they have to be coddled and nurtured. Names like I See Dead People and Deal Or No Deal were passed over. Fortunately, our team lived up to it's name. Our final record was a respectful 0 & 14. That's right, we just missed winning a game 14 times.

It was a struggle trying to get ten people on the field at one time, we seemed to have a problem getting women to play (I hope that doesn't reflect negatively on my future dating prospects). The ladies who stepped forward and up to the plate were Michelle who sacrificed many parts of her body for the team. Wendy, whose powerhouse arm behind the plate helped to keep our pitchers from wearing themselves out. Stephanie, our summer intern who on her first day of work found herself buying a pair of shorts to suit up for our first game. Mary Beth (chief), the queen of the field. Each week Mary Beth asked if she was needed that night hoping that the answer would be "no". Never-the-less, she showed up and slugged it out almost every week.

To round out our ladies we were lucky to get a ringer with the name of Debbie and my dear friend Mary was able to join us for the last three weeks. Mary and I have known each other for a long time and even have had a few kids together. How come I never knew that she could turn a double play??? she played great. At least I have a whole year for my body to heal before I need to hit the diamond again. I didn't get it as bad as some (sorry Rick) but for some reason my muscles aren't as young as I think they are.

Dinner Time!

After work I picked up my brother Bill to join my man Doug and I for dinner. We had a tough time deciding where to eat since we have varying likes and dislikes. We finally settle on Kingstown Blues located where else? Kingstown. Bill and I ordered drinks while waiting for Doug to arrive. I ordered my tried and true favorite the Sister Mary. It's a chicken bar-b-que sandwich with a side of slaw and a mess of home-made potato chips. Doug stayed with the pork bar-b-que and Bill went with the chicken fried steak. After a few hours of good conversation we all headed on our way.

After I arrived home I heard from my great friend Helen that she and her husband Bill and daughters Becca and Rachel were home visiting her parents in Springfield. They invited me to drop by and since I still had a few gifts to give them from my trip to the Middle East I thought it be a perfect way to end the night.

Helen and Bill are my daughter Dani's godparents. They have been fantastic friends for as long as I can remember. After the initial hellos Helen and I went down to the pool and just sat their talking away. By the time we were done with our conversation everyone else was in bed and it was past 1:00 am, oops. I need to add a huge congratulations to Becca for making the VARSITY Cheerleading squad as a freshman, the first girl to do so in her highschool. Rachel, not to be outdone, killed on the swim team in the County's finals. She took 10th in the breaststroke out of 50 and she is one of the youngest in her division! Look out Melissa Belote (look her up).

Here's a Test!

No, not for you but for me. I am trying to place a picture in to see if I have mastered this blog thing. Did I succeed?

Trip to Seattle

actormann Here am I back at home from a great trip to the east coast to surprise the heck out of my childhood friend Dave (now known as Van) Badzik. Dave has spent the last 22 years devoted to the US while serving in the Navy. He's been stationed everywhere from Pittsburgh (Pittsburgh?), San Diego, New Orleans, Hawaii, Germany, Seattle, and all over God's creation. During his career he added a wonderful wife, Carol and two fantastic boys, Nick & Zack.

The Badziks have decided to spend their non-military life on Bainbridge Island in Washington. About six months ago Dave asked if I could attend his retirement ceremony at his sub base. I made it pretty clear to him that I wouldn't be able to make it. I immediately called Carol and told her that I was making my flight reservations.

Last Thursday night I boarded a United flight 917 to Seattle, a town I've never visited. After landing and catching a towncar to the ferry on the Seattle docks I called Carol and told her that I was getting close. About 45 minutes later Carol, Nick & Zack, Dave's sister Kay and her friend Linda met me at the docks on Bainbridge. After many hugs and greetings we headed back to the Badzik abode where I waited in the garage until the coast was clear for me to sneak into the house. After a few minutes I was given the "all's clear" sign and entered and sat on the couch watching TV. Dave came downstairs, stared at me for about 5 seconds and then flipped out seeing me sitting in his living room. During the next hour we caught up with each other and when everyone went to bed Dave still couldn't believe I was there. ( A big thanks to Zack for giving up his room during my visit).

Early the next morning we woke to a delivery truck dropping off 90 folding chairs and a ton of tables to set up in the backyard for the party that was to take place after the retirement ceremony. Hey folks, it ain't 100 degrees out there in the north Pacific, it was chilly in the 60's. It would have been nice if I had thought to bring long pants other than my suit,... my bad (that's for the kids out there). The Badziks backyard is large and it looks great and is just the right size to have a cookout for 90 of your closest friends. I think I'll have my retirment party there in 2050.

We all headed to the Navy base where we met an admiral prior top the ceremony. The center of the base area has the top of a sub sitting there which was the perfect place to hold the event. Dave did a great job with his speach but I thought I should have been thanked last after your wife. Many a joyful tear was shed during the ceremony.

Time to head back to party central and start cooking the food for the guests. Dave and I took the job of grilling two almost 20 pound fresh, local salmon. The menu consisted of food from each place that they were stationed, clever, Carol, clever.

At six the crowd hustled in and food and drinks were enjoyed by all until the last guest left around midnight. A bunch enjoyed the fire pit where a roaring blaze kept the folks warm (damn, that place gets chilly). The cleaning crew ( family & friends) started to straighten things out for awhile and then we went to bed.

The sun peaked it's head out late Saturday morning while we all had brunch at Doc's, a local restaurant at the pier. Next to Zack's rollerhockey championship game (sorry but it turned out to be a loss) and then a boat ride in the Puget Sound on Dave's motorboat. Late at night we headed to an Indian Reservation and we all know what their known for now, CASINOS! I picked up a little bit of winnings and but it was more fun than financially gainful.

Dave and I got up a little after 4:00 am on Sunday morning so I could catch the 5:10 am ferry back to the mainland. Flight 916 back to Dulles and straight to the infamous Mark Minnick Birthday party in Tyson's Corner. A huge congratulations and thanks to all of thew Badzik klan. As Dave said in his speach, "it was an entire family effort getting through the last 22 years."

As soon as I learn how to drop photos in this site should be a heck of a lot more interesting. I promise it'll get better.